I have the crappiest computer ….
Wrote a new clown skit on the way home. a tear jerker set to the Leonard Cohen song “Hallelujah”. Can’t use the lyrics but the music has perfect accompaniment and versatility to help tell the story. Not too many instrumental recordings of it out there. A challenge to find a pianist …. but then I could “score” it to the piece.
It is a little story of why I became a clown … about holding on to hope when there is no rational reason to do so. I was writing the professional paper and had to go back in time to the pit of bleakness, when I would just cry buckets when I read “Along the Green Velvet Path”. {find that quote}
it is a reality that I have accepted that “home” is something I may never have. It is a tragic when your personal growth takes you so far past the vision and values of those who were your first family and home. You may be able to visit and “pass” again when you return, but the heartbreaking fact is that the truth of you is not really welcome. You wander through life with the deep desperation to reconnect, to find a community to replace the one you have lost. Someone once defined home as the place that they have to take you in. I may have a few places that I can come and perch - I am fortunate in my sisters and brother. But outside that - I am a wandering soul. I belong nowhere - there is not one place, group, community that I’ve ever found that really wants me - all of me, the truth of me. The closest I’ve ever found is the gay community - a welcome in the group of those similarly outcast for daring to live truth of themselves openly. But not being gay myself …. well, I really don’t belong there either.
This was a piece of me that was ripped open for inspection in the “Place” seminar of the 2nd year of the Creative Pulse. I had to stop and face this seeking that had been going on since I had been six. Always hoping to find “my place”, but never finding one that would celebrate the entire truth of me.
that is why the clown is so appropriate. she can be accepted everywhere but really belongs nowhere.
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